Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

By Neil Gaiman

Today I found this as a quote. And I must admit he is spot on!!!! A little too much for me, but somehow he is right. After a busy weekend I am home with an extra day off to go through some paperwork, and most important sleep! Tomorrow it is back to England and back to work. Not much has happened last couple of days but I have been busy with a lot off things in one go. So my plans for the next 2 weekends are to work in the garden, depending on the weather and relax in front of the TV. In between I will work and hopefully be able to decide where I want to go on a little holiday. So far my favourite will be Portugal for an about 10 days, short, swimming trunks and books…. Nothing else, no company or anything else. I need sun and solitude. Finding peace with the world and with myself. There are some things I need to find my peace with. One off them is myself. No idea if I am running away from me or running towards a mental breakdown…. As much as I do believe in myself and getting over things, I need to stop going or running from what ever it is I am heading, sit still feel the warmth on my skin and read my books listen to my music and forget the world and all the others…. My friends will fully understand why, and now it is my turn to start listening to myself. Stop giving healthy advice to others, it is time for me, and I am gonna take it. So here I go planning for my getaway in June, wish me luck!

Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
but never doubt I love.

See it even made William S. thought about it, so we mere mortals can only follow in his footsteps. Even with all the technology we have it hasn’t become easier. We might have put it in the fast lane and be more critical about the one we love, or think we love.

I am no stranger when it comes to dating sites and chat rooms, but I noticed something, looking at the profiles some of the people out there are very good looking, or even more, but while I was in a relationship, they played the field. They still look good or even better and like me got older. Ok, my relationship has failed, but most of the days were happy, they still single and looking for Mr. or Mrs. Charming.

The question now is does it help to work out and get all panicky over a few calories more to score the “perfect one”? Looking at profiles and the people in the chat, even the handsome ones are online for hours to get the one-night stand.
True there are couples out there, but as recently written in one of the magazines most of these are “open” ones. So you will find one or maybe both on the hunt for the other one…. Is the relationship a kind of rescue vessel? So that when I do not score or nobody finds me interesting, that night, I can still go back to my safe haven?
To me this feels like a car with to many airbags. Call me old-fashioned or weird but I like to be married to only one, and share so much apart from each other with the other.

Strike love when it passes you for you might never know when it comes around again, if it comes around again. Thinking a lot lately and, yes, I am a person who loves to be together, to share and love and be loved. Alone I can be without a problem, but I just like the cuddle in the night to be warm and breathing, a Teddy can only give so much.

Next to that I like to think I still believe in love and that there is somebody out there, deserving my love and me deserving his. To believe in the good of people how ever much I have been hurt in the past, or had to start over again. One can think in terms of money spend, or even wasted. But what if all would be great, we wouldn’t think of a single penny in our happiness. Over the last decades I have changed but I still believe in love, and I hope I will never loose it. Luckily I see happy couples around me being together for more than 20 years, so there is still living proof, I can only wish it is not a dying race. Because let’s face it we can not blame that on global heating! The trend seems to be that people no longer want to invest in their relationships and look for an easy exit. Where do we get that attitude from? I see a survivor instinct in my ex but it differs from mine, where I sit at home and get back on track he is slightly looking for the next Mr. Right. He seems to go from one person to another, where these lovers are fully settled and provide him with a home, love, sometimes even a car but stability. Yes he has the past where he was in a war and things were or are still bad. Friends warned me but I had hoped that I would be the last haven to drop his anchor. Not only blaming him, I am part to blame to the ship has sailed and slowly disappears in the distance. He will be missed, but life goes on and other ships are about to dock, we are back in business.

For me, I will have to wait and see what future has planned for me, when ever what ever happens, I hope I will smile a lot!

The Creationist:

This is an old and funny poem
I accidentally overheard.
It keeps the little children playing
and bigger children spread the word.
My memory is bad so I always tend to forget
how it goes but

Life is my creation.
Is my best friend.
Imagination is my defense.
And I’ll keep walking
when skies are grey.
Whatever happens
was meant that way.

You’re no better or no worse than the others
we are all the same.
Life is just a moment
you might as well enjoy this day.
It’s time to start believing that everything we want is
on its way and

Life is my creation.
Is my best friend.
Imagination is my defense.
And I’ll keep walking
when skies are grey.
Whatever happens
was meant that way.

Another weekend and a change in the weather for once….. No more snow, a little sunshine and I know rain is on its way but let me enjoy what little sunshine there is at the moment. For the first time this morning I opened all the windows and let a fresh breeze go through the house and get rid of the last winter feelings….. Well knowing that we could get another little period of cold air again….. We are not out of the danger yet.

So it felt a little like spring is just around the corner? It never hurts to get a little optimistic does it?
I might be getting to old for a few things in life but never to old for spring and the joy it can bring. We do need winter, but we also need this sign of a new beginning, the beginning of something, be it spring, the year or warmth in out bones. For sure we had enough cold and snow these last months. Time for a change!!!

Things are about to change anyway. Might be personal might be love is also around the corner, nothing is sure, as I can not set the date when that little tree in my back garden will bloom again. But there is always this little moment, a felling that it is about to happen.

For the moment I am feeling better, things are slowly falling back into place, and some sunny days await me… next Christmas I will be able to tell you if my sunny days were enough to make a wonderful summer, for now I experience a little tinkle, a spark and it brings me happiness. Funny I just glanced outside to see the dark rain clouds appearing while on the house just across the street the sun is reflecting on the bright white outer walls, it even hurt my eyes…. The contrast, it could not be clearer, winter and spring fighting….. I do hope spring will win in the end.

The last couple of weeks I have been busy and lazy, and not motivated to post a message here. Seems that I need a bad spell or a good old fashioned happy period to get my fingers moving. There is some sadness and a good deal of happiness in me at the moment and the urge to start typing just hit me after lunch so here I am again putting my thoughts onto paper. (So to say).

It took a while but my thoughts are almost in sync with my wishes and the position I am in at the moment. Clear lines needed to be drawn and build on the future from there. So, yes, this spring is giving me a new beginning, but like most of us it works better with a little bit of sunshine. If we are not getting this warm shoulder and arm to lean on than at least let the first sunshine of the year warm me when I take my Caramel Latte outside to drink and get lost in a little world and dream of my own.



So for now it is getting a big coffee listen to Diana Krall and fantasize a little bit more, and hope I will be able to post some more in the blog soon, and hopefully tell about spring, sun and me….. stay warm out there!!!

So soon may I follow when friendships decay
And from love's shining circle the gems drop away
When true hearts lie withered and fond ones are flown
Oh who would inhabit this bleak world alone?

Who indeed wants to be left alone? Not really the thought to have after Valentine’s Day. The first year I left that day for what it is, a normal day on the calendar. You know what? Never even noticed it was a different day, over the last years somehow this day always turned into a mess. So this year I just let it pass me by, no cards, presents or flowers. Didn’t send them and funny enough didn’t receive them. So next year same thing and saving some money.

The week otherwise has been busy, a lot of work. On the other hand it makes the day a lot shorter. Tonight was Megan Mullally night, and what a surprise that was. First it was raining cats and dogs, so getting to the theatre dry was a challenge. Than with some minutes to spend, as I arrived early I popped into Nero’s for a nice hot chocolate. The doors of the Vaudeville Theatre across the street opened and I went to collect my ticket and my goodies. Because of her part in Will and Grace a certain crowed assembled in the theater waiting for the doors to open. The show started en before even saying a word or singing a song there was a loud applause. The music started and after the first few tunes between songs she mentioned that: “Karen isn’t coming”. True I went to see the TV person and to hear and see the singer with the same name. I was surprised so different and the music was between jazz and early country music. She has a clear voice and the music is pure. Between the songs she made some conversation and it looked like even she once and a while needs her TV character. A few people might have been disappointed but I was happy to be able to experience the music in a kind of a nightclub atmosphere.

So it shows how strong an influence a TV series can have on how we see a person. Not everything is as we remember or get presented……

A different posting than usual in my blog….. it was a different week…..

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night."

Sunday morning, almost midday but I just left my bed. So let it be morning to me. Coffee and a croissant and trying to get started, well as it is Sunday no rush here. For me it is going to be a lazy one. After a week of 12 hours shifts I deserve a lazy old fashioned Sunday.
Not much is going to happen anyway and so I can pick up my book and read some more.

The snow has finally gone and it is still grey and cold outside, so not yet time to go into the garden and clean up some of the mess. The last cold period surely killed some of the plants; it has been a few years since we have had a winter like this one. My olive tree is looking poorly, so once the spring arrives I will trim it a little and see if there is anything to be recovered. Would be a shame to loose that one. Other than that there are loads of dead leaves everywhere, if the weather stays dry I might and make an attempt to clean that bit.

Trying out a new blend of coffee from starbucks, not bad, might need to make it stronger though. But for my breakfast it is ok. One more thing to do today is checking the recipes for tomorrow as I promised my neighbours to cook Lebanese, so better check on the menu and the ingredients so I can stat preparing tomorrow early. It has been a while since we sat together for a dinner, must have been well before Christmas. So it is about time. And I was in the mood for Lebanese food, if I can not go there than at least I want some taste of it at home. I know it will not taste like it does in Beirut but I can at least try. Loving the smell of the kitchen while I am preparing it.

Watched TV last week and it seems Lebanon will be the destination for 2010, so expect it to be more expensive and busier. Now let’s hope there will be no more bombs going off or attacks from their neighbours.

Back her in quiet Holland I can enjoy peace and the quiet village I live in. little haven on earth where I can dock my ship and be myself. Somewhere I can hear somebody should “we should always be ourselves” well who ever you are; it is not always possible or wise to do so. How much we try, it doesn’t work on every occasion. Sometimes it is better to blend in or to just fade away, unless you want to make a statement or so than you must go full steam ahead. Me, I try to be myself as much as possible but I also recognize that this is not always possible. More so in my job, that requires some tact and restraint from the person I am deep inside. But over the years I have found the nice balance and I can happily function there.

Someone not so long ago told me that I try to have my world according to my wishes and needs or not at all. Sounded kind of harsh but in a way I think he is correct, just part of my life I want to be as I like them. Too many compromises and too many failed attempts in doing it another way.
So here I am this Sunday morning, with coffee my way and my music and a croissant just the way I like it. No one is bothering me about the calories presently on my plate or nagging about the countryside being to quiet……. I have my peace, ok, I am alone, but I slowly feel ok being single again. As I found out that the situation on the other side is still the same, the same nagging and complaining as the last 3 years and still no improvement, at least this time I do not have to worry, and can enjoy my breakfast. Sure I long for those mornings in bed together and stretching the Sunday morning as long as possible but I found out that this being alone isn’t being lonely just more contempt with the world, and perhaps just my world. But for now I am at piece. And so a little sunshine is present here at the breakfast table. And my dear friend where ever you are, I love my life and my look at the world were I feel great, and with me my friends.

Everyone has a way of life, I seem to have mine and not ashamed to admit it, it doesn’t make me a bad person or call anyone a stranger, some I do call dear friend!