“For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.” : Ivan panin

I came by this one and thought: now there is a good one to think about! We can look at them separate or as a union, and when I did it so many things came to mind and in it the truth of a lot of things. Raises the question if it is truly human to make such a mess of so many things, just to be reminded that we are human, we do make mistakes and although we promise ourselves to learn from them; we seem to seldom do so.

Are we falling into a pattern or do we just not listen, not to others but mainly to ourselves? When love makes you blind, does it also needs to make you stupid? Thinking about this I need to smile, looking back on the past, recent and way back. Yes, I have learned and yet made some mistakes again, and even defended them with yet another excuse, its like burning your fingers, first because the pan is hot, the next time because the liquid in it was hot and the last time the griddle was to blame. So why did I just not check every thing? Before ending up with the blisters on the exact same fingers?

If someone has the answers please share, although I have the answer myself, I think. We or in this case I pay not enough attention to what is really happening around me or even right in front of my nose, just because I am to busy not noticing and having to face my own mistakes. Nobody is perfect, so why am I trying to hide my own imperfections? How can I truly love someone for who she or he is if I can’t truly love all about myself? In my lifetime I will not become perfect I am afraid but I can learn to be happy about myself and my life, that bit of happiness will make life a lot nicer. We all write so much about everyday life, just have a look around on all the blogs and yet we do not seem to be the wiser. Shelves are filled with self-help books and god knows millions are made by people writing them. My blog is my diary my own reflection and sometimes utter bullsh*** but I get stuff out of my head and I don’t really care if it makes sense (anymore).

One day I might think logical the next my head is a mess and I think my blog, my thoughts reflect that. Doesn’t mean I feed the cat soup and munch on the cat food myself, but is sure feels like it sometimes.
This is who I am, well part of it, and I am settling with it. Growing older should make me wiser, next to grey and wrinkly, well in the end I hope someone will tell me what the result of my life is. If not, so be it. I can at least try to be honest and straight forward as I noticed so much in life becomes fake, life lived through the eyes and expectations of others.

This all disappears when I am with my friends, and recently more just being at home. My trips to Spain were eye opening, and they gave me peace and happiness. This little stretch of beach, the garden and my friends, or family as I call them now, around me, suddenly I don’t care that I have a few pounds to many or don’t have the perfect eyesight anymore. This place lets me be just me, like I normally just feel at home behind close doors. Through my friends the world has become a nicer safer place for me to walk on. Sure, I do look left and right while crossing the street, as I hate stains of blood on my jeans. But I feel less angry at the world. Not only the rich and famous or Hollywood shapes our life, we are part of this world, every little thing sets something in motion. I might just have forced an ant to move home, but in the end that might change the life of several ants etc. the chain reaction is in motion, and as such we make many a day. The waters of our life are never without a single ripple until we die. So while we are in motion let’s not cook a storm but have little waves that might rock our boat just a little in the light of life!

Safe journey for the coming night!

Easter is gone and so seems the sun, well at least for the moment, but I can look back to a couple of sunny days.
Easter Monday was sunny and there was an early start as I had the clan coming over plus a friend. There was food to be prepared for about 14 and much to do. Felt like Christmas was knocking on my door again, but hey I invited it myself. It just felt like I needed to see my family, and my friend is part of my family too, around me.

They arrived in groups and so I had time to speak a few minutes with each one of them to chat as the big brother, and after that we sat outside and attacked the food and chatted….. At a certain moment my dear brother picked up his guitar and started playing it… it made a change, suddenly in this early sunshine I noticed my little family in an other light.

There they were, chatting and sharing little stories from the time we were all kids, long long time ago. Still it felt weird not having mum around but that is no option as she is sick and unable to join us during these gatherings.

Sign of times one could say, we are at a point where we once watched our parents and grandparents at family meetings. Childhood for sure is over, and we are grown up.
It was a nice afternoon and I noticed that it feels great to be with them. Looking at them and thinking how much our lives had changed over the past years, divorces, new boy or girlfriends, and kids growing up.

My role has changed here, from the brother always somewhere else on the planet I am in charge of things, not that my siblings need my advice but I seem to be the one organizing our meets, never this often have the 5 off us been together this much.
The family has changed and it is for the good, this shows that we all still grow and we still learn but now we share our lessons, and hopefully we are the wiser now.

This Easter Monday was great and when they left I sat in the garden and with a glass of wine reflected on the day. After a while my smile could not be bigger, it felt great.

With all the things happening in my life it was nice to share them with the bunch, listen to them and hear their view or even get some advice. We became a family and next to that, friends, the ones that are linked to one of them have noticed how close we got over the months, and they have taken their place among the family. My friend is part of it and she feels like she gained a whole new family. As diverse as we are the more we complete the circle. We differ in age a lot but also in view and in stages of our lives. As oldest I might not be the wisest but we complete each other. There is a part of our parents and even a little of our grandparents present, and I am glad there is.

Although I was alone there was no void or did I feel alone or lonely I was in good company of memories.

A few days left of my little holiday and off to work again, I will return rested and with another part of good memories. Chatted with a friend for a while and even through the text messages he noticed that I was in a particular good mood. Things have changed, times have changed, and best thing I have changed, a little but it feels amazing!!! I have not come around full circle as dead should complete the circle of life, but it sure feels that I am on the right curve! No longer aiming for the moon, but still impressed looking at it!!! A nice circular light in the sky.

From the day that i first met you
and you looked into my eyes
i could hardly believe
love took me by surprise
and now that we are friends
i don`t want it to end
`cause i would rather lose your love
to be your friend
i guess i never told you
exactly how i feel
`cause i believe if you knew
you`d probably just leave
don`t know what i`d do
without you
be on my own again
without you
don`t understand it
if i could have planned it
how would it be
there`s no use pretending
don`t want our love ending
no
the way i feel about you
i could never let you know
and all the feelings i have
i`m too afraid to let them show
so i close my eyes and count to ten
`cause i would rather lose your love
to be your friend
i`d rather lose your love to be your friend

Easter and it feels like a day off new beginnings, don’t know why it just does.
After a while of not writing I picked up some spirit or maybe just in a good mood and feeling to write again. Who can tell, or do I even want an answer to this? Hell no!!! I just take it one step at the time.

It has been way too long since I last wrote something but I just wasn’t feeling like it, to much has happened and some of it came to soon or was simply too much to handle even for me.

Slowly the picture gets clearer the more honest I start to be to myself and the less I fantasize about things that no longer can be. Somehow I believe we all get to that stage somewhere in time, and for the once who don’t, well they must have lived the fairytale we all dream of.

But the sun is out and I woke up smiling, that for a start is a good thing, well for me as lately I woke up to many times without it. No I wasn’t grumpy just generally unhappy, yes, like so many others. But that has to change, so this morning the smile was a good thing I feel like spring is in my step (old fashioned, cheesy comment I know) and so on with it we go, tomorrow will be Easter Monday and there are plans but after that my steps will be on newer fresher grounds…. The world will hopefully make more since again, I feel like for some reason I have been to bitter for to long. Merely because life didn’t turn out as I wanted it to be, so here is a reality check and forwards from this point. The only way is up! Sure I can do it the easy way and blame others, yes they are partly to blame but most of it is with me because I believed for to long that my vision of the world around me would happen, now that turned into a cold shower. By now I should be frozen after gallons of cold icy water hit me, but no I was still headstrong my paradise was just around the corner. With icicles on my noose I now realize that it is time to defrost my vision and see the world for what it is, something that spins on its own and doesn’t really care what I feel or want. Time to get e new look and try just to spin along in a better improved version, otherwise I end up a bitter old prune and yet I am still too young for that. Sitting here in my garden, yet still a mess, I feel great listening to the birds and the frogs…. They all seem to be either in love or taking care of their young ones. It is strange how many birds have built their nest around me, or I just have never noticed…. The flowers around me smell and show their amazing colours, it is a beautiful world even in y little garden. Around and far away from my fence people are starving wars are fought and I should just embrace my own little paradise where even if it is only my world it is ok. I feel happy and I can be, it is mine!

You can love someone unconditional just to be hit in the face with a hidden agenda and false hope…. But my feelings were honest and all there. Waking up to it all wasn’t the wake up call I ever hoped to get, but I did and now it is up to me to get on with life. It took some time to get on and I felt really bad, and it still feels off but most of the bad part I managed in one way or another…… its like broken glass, you remove the pieces and put in a new window to look out again into the world, yes the glass is new but what you see hasn’t changed just because the window is new, we have to do with what we got. So I better keep the view clean and keep the dreaming to my sleep.

No I can not promise I will change over night, but I can do a little, let’s say something every day to a point where I feel safe and secure again. At present I have no clue or idea where this will take me, I will just wait and see. At least when I feel insecure I have my home to crawl into and feel safe, where I can think and plan my next step. Here I am a grown up baby, stepping into the same old world just with a different pair of glasses…. Lets see if the colours outside will adapt into the colours in my painting or if I have to paint a new picture.

Life can be as beautiful the warmth of the sun now shining and warming my back, the arms of nature are still there to warm me. Sign that not all is bad.

Easter is warm and sunny, let’s keep it that way for I while!!

Happy Easter, Bunny!!!

My god it has been a while, just when i thought that i would be posting more life again has changed, true i planned to post much earlier but over tha last few weeks life seemed to be having even more changes on the way.

SO not a new one today but posting a "old" one.

The weekend is over and a new week at work will start tomorrow, after i roll from the ferry in the early morning. Where is this summer they promised us?
I thought i noticed some sunshine, so on went the shorts and off i went, first to visit my mum and then off to catch the evening ferry....

June and i again feel like autumn, not soon after i left home, the sky turned grey and my legs started to tell me that summer is not yet here!! How could i have trusted the afternoon sunshine?

Next to that i blame my stay in the middle-east for not feeling warm anymore, well not during days that in europe are called "warm". Coming amost to a point where i would admit to miss the dessert-heat of bahrain summer where i longed for a fresh december breeze!!!

Otherwise it seemed like spring, new things were in the air..... it seems that being married still isn't a easy thing.

Lately periods of losing friends, sick friends and some other issues made me or rather us realize that although we go through problems we still need each other whether we wanted or not.

Love is never easy it seems whether it goes up or down, good or bad, something always seems to lurk around the corner.
The phone has been ringing again and without telling other people we have opened some doors again, carefully, but things happened.

We talked about a future and that some things need time, one of these things are we ourselves. Just as i planned to take a job somewhere out of reach. Now it seems that we could use that to financial make life easier for us and still get the good out of it as too seeing each other.

Over the coming time we will have to see what happens, but we both will not give up, and we both have noticed that life with out the other is not a good solution.

Cold outside, warm inside, and realizing that writing a blog about things is not the same as talking about the real issues, how old do we need to get to understand the person we feel the most for?

Amazing how my parents were always a master in letting us know how much they loved us, without to much of an effort, or we just never noticed the trouble they had getting it into our brains?

I truly love them for that..... and i always will

much more than i trust the weather-man i am sure!!!

Everywhere I go
I hear sweet songs about the moon
Songs about the stars above
And songs of love and June
Songs of hearts that beat as one
To some sweet lovers tune
But they're not songs that sing for me
Songs about the dream that lies
Within a lover's eyes
Songs about the cloudless sky
And lover's paradise
Songs about the joys of love
And lovers lullabies
But there not songs that sing for me
What good is love?
If you have to face
Cold hungry days and sighing
what good is love?
If life's just a race
to keep your heart from crying
Let the poet sing of skies above
and endless love
and hearts that dance
Where is my chance?
For the call of romance
what good is love?
If you haven't got
all that makes life worth living
what good is love?
If you haven't got
Even a thing worth giving
You can keep your little songs
That sing of all the joy that love can bring
What good's romance?
What good is love to me?
You can keep your little songs
That sing of all the joy that love can bring
What good's romance?
What good is love to me?

Again I borrowed a song but it was fitting my feelings. I was watching something on TV and fell asleep on the couch after a good coffee I was listening to some music and this oldie caught my ear.
Thinking of a few things, will I was trying to wake up with a strong mug of coffee.
Trying to remember what were my favourite moments together? But that all depends on the situation and place, so I tried to think of a more neutral moment. Took me only a minute, after making things clearer, the few moments in the morning; before he got up. That’s when all was peaceful and great.
I remembered I still have a picture of that moment, it is not a beautiful one but it brings back those memories.
Must have been the sound of the rain, as an old romantic that can happen of course.
Maybe I just need perspective, and arrange my thoughts. They have been drifting too much lately. Next to that I have been dreaming a lot and remembering them, so thinking of what they could mean. Indeed I do need a break away from home and places with memories and like my friends tell me, we need to make more memories!

A slow start it will be in Spain, but somewhere I hope some of the old bunch can join me soon, or I can catch up with them.
Weird how I go through a period where i need to rekindle the friendships started many years ago. We have the internet, mobile phones, skype etc, but I still need to see them face to face from time to time. Due to distances and travel involved it is not always possible but this year I am making a start, 5 years since I left! It has been long enough and much has happened. So time to check, and see what happened in their lives.
No modern connection can give you this personal feeling, so in a few weeks off we go!!! And I hope that in my head things about my own life will settle too!! It is about time, although I would never like to loose love.