"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night."

Sunday morning, almost midday but I just left my bed. So let it be morning to me. Coffee and a croissant and trying to get started, well as it is Sunday no rush here. For me it is going to be a lazy one. After a week of 12 hours shifts I deserve a lazy old fashioned Sunday.
Not much is going to happen anyway and so I can pick up my book and read some more.

The snow has finally gone and it is still grey and cold outside, so not yet time to go into the garden and clean up some of the mess. The last cold period surely killed some of the plants; it has been a few years since we have had a winter like this one. My olive tree is looking poorly, so once the spring arrives I will trim it a little and see if there is anything to be recovered. Would be a shame to loose that one. Other than that there are loads of dead leaves everywhere, if the weather stays dry I might and make an attempt to clean that bit.

Trying out a new blend of coffee from starbucks, not bad, might need to make it stronger though. But for my breakfast it is ok. One more thing to do today is checking the recipes for tomorrow as I promised my neighbours to cook Lebanese, so better check on the menu and the ingredients so I can stat preparing tomorrow early. It has been a while since we sat together for a dinner, must have been well before Christmas. So it is about time. And I was in the mood for Lebanese food, if I can not go there than at least I want some taste of it at home. I know it will not taste like it does in Beirut but I can at least try. Loving the smell of the kitchen while I am preparing it.

Watched TV last week and it seems Lebanon will be the destination for 2010, so expect it to be more expensive and busier. Now let’s hope there will be no more bombs going off or attacks from their neighbours.

Back her in quiet Holland I can enjoy peace and the quiet village I live in. little haven on earth where I can dock my ship and be myself. Somewhere I can hear somebody should “we should always be ourselves” well who ever you are; it is not always possible or wise to do so. How much we try, it doesn’t work on every occasion. Sometimes it is better to blend in or to just fade away, unless you want to make a statement or so than you must go full steam ahead. Me, I try to be myself as much as possible but I also recognize that this is not always possible. More so in my job, that requires some tact and restraint from the person I am deep inside. But over the years I have found the nice balance and I can happily function there.

Someone not so long ago told me that I try to have my world according to my wishes and needs or not at all. Sounded kind of harsh but in a way I think he is correct, just part of my life I want to be as I like them. Too many compromises and too many failed attempts in doing it another way.
So here I am this Sunday morning, with coffee my way and my music and a croissant just the way I like it. No one is bothering me about the calories presently on my plate or nagging about the countryside being to quiet……. I have my peace, ok, I am alone, but I slowly feel ok being single again. As I found out that the situation on the other side is still the same, the same nagging and complaining as the last 3 years and still no improvement, at least this time I do not have to worry, and can enjoy my breakfast. Sure I long for those mornings in bed together and stretching the Sunday morning as long as possible but I found out that this being alone isn’t being lonely just more contempt with the world, and perhaps just my world. But for now I am at piece. And so a little sunshine is present here at the breakfast table. And my dear friend where ever you are, I love my life and my look at the world were I feel great, and with me my friends.

Everyone has a way of life, I seem to have mine and not ashamed to admit it, it doesn’t make me a bad person or call anyone a stranger, some I do call dear friend!

A flower grows from beneath a blanket
Of fine and purest white
It reaches toward the sun for warmth,
For heat and for the light

Its petals shine from morning dew
Its stem grows stiff and strong
It stands strong through the freezing cold
It stands the winter long

The flower stretches through the snow
It reaches toward the sun
And now without you the colour is gone
The flower's petals, dun

But as we talk, and as we learn
The flower comes back to life
The snow now melts and goes away
As you take away my strife

I see the times when winter comes
As winter tends to do
But we still love, and we still live
And I do still love you

How beautiful a poem can be about the simplest things in life. Just checked the weather for the coming week, and I know I am early in this. Again it looks like we can have snow, so it is a fact this has turned into a long winter, one we haven’t had for a long time. Hopefully on the day I fly back there will be no more new snow. Just want to drive home and start my days off.
For now I am doing ok here, it is almost 2 AM and I am still awake, in about an hour I will be going over to the gym for my first work out since I think October last year. Yes it has been a while and I know it is about time I get this body moving again. Not much has changed in the nightshift routine, and even if I wanted to do a lot the system settings are stopping me in my tracks. So I kept myself busy with answering a few emails and sorting out some paperwork.
How quiet this place at night can be, the TV is the only thing making noise, the guys with me are also minding their own business or popping out for a cigarette. No action anywhere we have to respond too so quiet on all fronts. This should be the case during the coming weekend. The only thing I can hope for is that the coming week will pass as fast as this night. However it gives me plenty of time to also write my little items for the blog.
Enough for this night as I am to prepare for my exercises......

Sunday is almost over and it has been a quiet one, a nice one, for one I did feel better and the fly signs are almost gone. So tomorrow it is back to work, picking up the daily routine. Later on this week it is picking up a nightshift again. A test to pick up an old routine and even start with the gym again. The last couple of months I have been too lazy and not in the mood. Funny how something like love or the missing of it can stop so much in a person’s life. The world keep on going but it seems that you itself stops, to just feel the pain, misery or just wonder about what has gone wrong.

No matter how badly your heart is broken, the world does not stop for your grief.

Not so much that my heart was broken but I was in the middle of so many feelings and too many thoughts to get the body moving other than the routine things. Luckily I was able to have some joy in between but before I came to my decision many times I was stopped in my movements and the things I wanted to do. How much in our lives is bound to what we feel and how we feel. Things have changed hence I feel different and I have found some new energy but I am not back on track yet. This week could give me a good jump start and by summer I am hopefully in a different state. Well the blog will tell you. So far I am doing ok, I can keep a regularity going when it comes to my blog. I even started to read some others here and I must say I love some off them. A few I have to get use too and some others are not so my thing, but there is plenty to read. It might even improve my English and my writing here. First of all this is mainly so I can get my thoughts structured and try to understand myself and the world around me. From what I notice it helps me to relax, and straighten my thoughts. Certainly since I started things have changed and reading the articles I can see what happened and how I tried or did not try to prevent things.

Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience.

One day I hope I can write that my experience got me somewhere. Although I don’t think it will bring me to Amsterdam…… But stranger things have happened…

Lately I seem to have fun in the out of the ordinary…

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you.

Saturday, and the first month of 2010 is into its last week. Feels like Christmas was just yesterday, but already the world is back to normal and with the Easter eggs already on the shelves in the supermarket we know: the egg festival is just around the corner.

At work the things start picking up as well, all is on the move. The snow is gone and the rain has returned. With the temperatures still being low there is a little chance for new snow, but I think, here in London, rain will be what we will have accompanied by cold winds. So still time to dress warm and cuddle up in front of the fireplace or near a heater. This year we are really know when spring will start as we were blessed, how ever much we complain about the snow, with an old-fashioned winter. When at home I could already see the first signs on the trees, that even under the snow blanket, nature keeps doing its thing.

As we and for that the country comes to a standstill when winter brings snow, nature just goes on, there is a new spring coming!!

So why not act like spring? And get a slow move towards spring? Or are we just in need for some hibernation time? The speed of our lives might just ask for it. Everybody seems to notice that it feels like the years are going faster as we grow older. Just checked online but the earth didn’t speed up so each year must be the same length. It is too late to ask my father how his years were going, and I dare not ask my mum as I can await a long story with no answer or clue. She has never given these issues any thoughts, she is an old fashioned housewife and now a grand mother fully fixed on some items in her life. The lives of her kids are of course of some importance but she looses touch with reality some days.

She lives in a world dictated by TV, soaps and glossy magazines. So the life of a celebrity is more real to her than the life of one of her kids. We are part to blame as we are not an everyday part of her life as these magazines or TV-shows are. Looking at the rich and famous seems to take over from looking at your kids and finding out that not everything can be glamour. We go through divorces and other problems. But it seems that a movie star’s divorce is much more real than one of ours. Over the years we have come to accept it and we feed mum as little as possible information about our life. If things go well she will be 80 this year, and why bother her with much, let her grow old and enjoy what ever is left.
Every time I travel from and to the UK I try and stop by so we can talk, and I can do some shopping. This way she sees some of her kids outside the standard family occasions.

Being where I am today I sometimes wonder, where or what will I be when the autumn of my life kicks in? The place where I want to grow old (for the moment) has been picked, although I still feel a force pulling me to distant places. Places I also call home in a way. They have grown on me, but I have to see if I can grow old there without al the problems of living in a foreign place.
Take Lebanon, I have been there only a few times, and although compared to my home country it is a messy place to be and I do not speak the language, I feel like I could grow old there in a small place with nothing much to want for. It might also be the memories of good times still in my mind. On the other hand my little place in the north feels like home more every month, even when I spend very little time there. The coming 2 years will be important on my nesting behavior, as I am going to try to make home even more of a home, ready for life after the navy as I do not have long to go. Still a few years away but it is the time to start thinking, too long I have wandered this world without getting ready for the final years. It sounds a bit morbid but it is coming and like I said earlier time seem to fly. So let’s get cracking! The grey hair is here, de rest is soon to follow!!!! Getting old is one thing, getting old alone is another?

The old begin to complain of the conduct of the young when they themselves are no longer able to set a bad example.

With a running nose and a soar throat I can not wait for spring to kick off, knowing that a new cold period may be just around the corner. For the first time since long I went home early to go to bed and try to get rid of the first flu symptoms. Even though I didn’t sleep much I went to work only to find out that I could not concentrate. So got the important stuff out the way and by lunch time I went home and straight to bed. Slept a little and had to get out getting something to drink and a new load of chemicals.

Spring is not the best of seasons. Cold and flu are two good reasons; wind and rain and other sorrow, warm today and cold tomorrow. Whoever said spring was romantic? The word that best applies is frantic!

Sometimes being alone is not a bad thing, I am not the next Armani model but looking in the mirror this morning no money in the world could get me the surgery to look anything healthy or even presentable. That’s how good I felt…….. But not as bad as to jump off the balcony ….. Which would have resulted in only hurting my leg and flattening some off the roses beneath my balcony, and not to forget a very angry neighbor.

So here I am on my couch watching TV and writing something for my blog. Still with tissues in reach. Hopefully tonight will be better and tomorrow morning I feel much more like work as today. Who knows my new bankcard might even arrive and I can go shopping. This weekend I need to rest as a week of nightshifts is to start on next Wednesday. So 10 working days in a row as from Monday but at least I get a week off as a reward. Almost like days gone by, but luckily I am not back on a busy roster, this way I can just earn some extra days off. Although the year has just started I need to plan a week of shift in November so to get e 3 week Christmas leave. But still plenty off time to do that.

Nothing else is happening and I must enjoy a period of low activity. Time to start having time with friends and spend some quality time with them. As to my marriage, it seems that we now can finally talk about the divorce without mixed feelings. A date has not been set but we know it is going to happen. Change is in the air, and it feels good. There is a chapter that needs to be closed. We might not be able to keep a marriage going but we know that we will remain friends, for a while at least until Amsterdam swallows him completely. In my mind I hope it will not happen, but unfortunately all the signs are there. In the end he wasn’t prepared and ready to let that part of life go. We no longer talk about it and just let things happen, we will never reach understanding about that issue, we just have to move on with our own lives and base the friendship on the things we still have and the memories of days gone by.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.